If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis, yeah, this ain’t it. But if you want a fun, entertaining read, you’ve found the right place. For more of Brandon Rifkin, please head to his blog or follow him on Twitter.
Thought I ran out of spin zones last week? BREAKING SPIN ZONE NEWS: it’s possible Horn Dawg has been playing with a concussion ALL YEAR. In your FACE “Hornibrook sucks” take! If you ask me, this is the only way to explain his up and (very) down play this season.
And while an injury is never something we want to see, I will say that I am MILDLY curious about the Jack Coan Show. After the first offensive series I will be adequately prepared to kick off the bandwagon or beat my chest about Horn Dawg starting for a reason over him. Gotta go with those gut reactions. Ain’t nobody got time for measured, thoughtful analysis.
The other unfortunate thing in play is that Coan may have to make his first career start in Evanston at that toilet bowl of a stadium against Les Nerdès. Gross. It’s no secret we’ve had all sorts of weird games there. Wind. Rain. Fumbles. Inexplicable QB management (start Tanner McEvoy and then bring in Stave cold off the bench and then call a pass on first-and-goal on the 3 in a game where MGIII ran for 260 yards because Gary Andersen was a stable genius).
I hope Hornibrook is okay and leads a UW resurgence that ends with us destroying Michigan’s hopes and dreams in Indy. But if he’s not good to go, then let the Coan era begin with a triumph on Chicago’s north side this weekend. #RagingCoaner
RANDOM MUSIC WE’RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK
The new Struts album has fully dropped! Crank it and enjoy.
p.s. – top tier YouTube commenting:
BIG TEN FEAR RANKINGS
1. Michigan, 7-1 (5-0). Let me be the first to congratulate Michigan on their National Championship. Long overdue. Enjoy it, Michigan.
2. Ohio State, 7-1 (4-1). Right on the heels of no longer needing an undefeated OSU for a title game resume booster, they get smoke weaseled by Purdue. Glorious. I really enjoy this weird trend where damn good OSU teams lose random night games to mid-tier B1G teams. Purdue just happened to be this year’s Iowa.
3. Michigan State, 4-3, (2-2). There is nothing dumber than the hubbub about MSU‘s little march across the field being interrupted by an idiot from Michigan. Literally every inch of this “story” is a waste of brainpower.
4. Iowa, 6-1, (3-1).Wisconsin‘s best win keeps looking better!
5. Purdue, 4-3 (3-1).If this Purdue season is what it takes for Brohm to move on then let’s just get it over with now. And is it too early to say all I want for my birthday is a win in West Lafayette?
6. Penn State, 5-2 (2-2). I’m ready to proclaim this Penn State team somewhere in the average to pretty good range. I can’t tell you with any confidence where they’ll fall on the spectrum in a given week.
7. Wisconsin, 5-2 (3-1).My gameplan for beating Northwestern: Taylor wildcat where he does nothing but run and handoff jet sweeps. The reduced interception risk alone would make that viable.
8. Northwestern, 4-3, (4-1). MUST BEAT NERDS
9. Indiana, 4-4 (1-4).We did a cooking class this week and it was a lot of fun! The chef in charge kept doling out assignments to people, and after I finished EXPERTLY mincing rosemary he told me to be his sous chef and make sure things are going smoothly. So basically this was me:
Did he simply run out of things to chop? Probably. But did he see my mincing in action and realize that I was too skilled to learn from him? HIGHLY LIKELY.
Click on the link above and look through the examples in that article. That is some wild stuff.
11. Illinois, 3-4 (1-3). Lovie’s beard in that snow seemed like a match made in heaven. That man’s gotta get outta there before his life fully crumbles.
12. Minnesota, 3-4, (0-4). And now we reach the portion of the Fear Rankings where we go full “The Office.”
13. Nebraska, 1-6, (1-4). Nebraska in the fourth quarter when they realized they were actually gonna win a game:
14. Rutgers, 1-7 (0-5). Rutgers after resuming their natural spot at the bottom and restoring balance to the universe:
THIS WEEK’S GAME IN HAIKU
Season on the brink
Big Ten West still up for grabs
HERE COMES THE COAN SHOW
I’m just as surprised as you are that my new favorite show is a pretend news show from New Zealand. And this keeps furthering my theory that New Zealand is all in on the joke that is the kiwi life. These people can’t be real.
Life gives you drunk lemons and you make pee-pee lemonade. This guy really knew how to make the best out of an undeniably annoying situation. Could he have erected some kind of gate to prevent people from easily strolling onto his property? Sure. But there are no giggles to be had with a gate. Motion sensor sprinklers AND a bucket hooked to a trip wire are such better methods of handling the post-bar crowds.
p.s. — we’ve all been there:
“Well sh*t, you got me. I give up.” Big thing in life is knowing when to hold ’em, and knowing when to fold ’em. This guy right here is an ELITE folder.
Comedians that can think on their feet are so impressive. There’s a simple genius on display here, taken to a higher level with the Australian accent.
We’ve got a standard heart vs. head situation. The heart is screaming out a win; the head tells me this is Northwestern in Evanston and the juju is real. I don’t remember the last time the head won my internal struggle. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 23, Nerdery 20